We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
