I can't breathe out the right side of my face
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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