he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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