my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize
