i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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