she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
