I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
