if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
