Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
