Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
MIDGETS
????
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
