Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
