I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
