My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
