Where are you?
In a non slutty way
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
