the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
