If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
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