No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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