Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
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