I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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