ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
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