Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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