Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
