I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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