he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
