It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
