what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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