So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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