I murdered the dance floor call the cops
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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