just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
