Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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