Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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