tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
