I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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