I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
