WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
We had sex on a dog bed..
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
