Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
