Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
