Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
