Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
