he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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