the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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