i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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