i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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