Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Randomize
