Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
