my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
