My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Randomize
