Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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