Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
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