oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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