im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
