I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
