i think my tv is drunk
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
