We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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