i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
