I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
