he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
