I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize
