I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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