Please, let me fuck your mom
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Randomize
